- I didn’t think this would actually be possible, but I hated this movie more than Beowulf and Grendel. I think at this point I’m going to swear off any further adaptations of Beowulf because so far the ones I’ve seen just make me want to kill myself.
- To paraphrase Michael Scott, why is this movie the way that it is? I hate so much about the things it chooses to be. I just really, really don’t get why this movie needed to be in CGI Creep-a-Scope, especially since it was so inconsistently rendered. The women all look plastic and like they’re straight out of Shrek The Third whereas the men are all fully formed and look pretty damn real. I suppose one could read this as commentary on how Hollywood treats women vs. men, but I think it’s just poor production values.
- For the most part, the actors still look like themselves once they’re fed through the Creep-a-Scope Animation Machine of Doom™ … except for Ray Winstone. Ray Winstone? Looks like this on most days:
He’s the dude trying to pull Leo off Not Quite A Guy You Can’t Hit, in case you are unfamiliar with him. This is how he looks in Beowful:
You can’t see them, but you could grate cheese on his abs, BTW. I love how Beowful had to be a total hottie so they had to CGI the fuck out of poor Ray Winstone. So ridiculous and so unnecsesary. If they wanted someone young and hot, they should have cast someone young and hot. Apparently Winstone’s acting ablities are not enough to get him a lead role. Or rather, the only way his acting abilities can get him a lead role is if he agrees that his actual face and body are not seen. Nice.
- They tried to create this language between Grendel and his mother, only you could actually understand it they came out sounding like Jar Jar Binks. After a while I just stopped listening whenever they’d open their mouths.
- So Grendel’s go this big round, oozing, pussing thing on the side of his head, coming out of his ear, except when they first showed it I was pretty convinced we were getting a full-on vagina shot of someone giving birth, á la Knocked Up. Apparently not.
- Can’t someone just make a plain old movie about Vikings? That’s what I really want to see.
- Because this movie takes place in Denmark, Beowulf had a merry gang of thanes at his disposal. I, naturally, wanted the Thanes of Glamis and Cawdor to show up, but obviously this was not to be.
- Beowulf is completely naked during his fight with Grendel, which means that through the entire scene, they strategically place objects — often swords, for obvious reasons — in front of Beowulf’s junk. I’m sorry, is this a prequel to Austin Powers?
- Brendan Gleeson is always a welcome addition to any movie, even one as bad as this.
- Grendel’s mom is the most fertile water demon in the world if she can successfully have sex twice and both times get pregnant with the offspring of Kings of Inhospital Land Masses.
- Speaking of which, I always hate that these people can prance around in leather skirts and chain mail shirts and never, ever get frostbite.
Beowulf
I swore I wouldn’t see this.
IMDB Plot Synopsis The warrior Beowulf must fight and defeat the monster Grendel who is terrorizing towns, and later, Grendel's mother, who begins killing out of revenge.
