Blog Archives

you’re a welcome sight in these troubled times

One thing I love about blog spam is how highly specific and grammatically decent it’s getting. We’re all probably used to the highly unsophisticated string of links to pharmaceutical websites, but I occasionally I get to delight in spam that is phrased in a way that actually passes for legitimate English. I discovered this gem tonight:

The next time I read a blog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as much as this one. I mean, I know it was my choice to read, but I actually thought youd have something interesting to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about something that you could fix if you werent too busy looking for attention.

This was on my Andy Carroll + Stewart Downing = Awesome Goal-Scoring Times™ post, so I think what I’m supposed to take a way from all this is that my attention-seeking laziness is what’s preventing Liverpool from being the goal-scoring machine lurking within a team of poor finishers? Does Kenny Dalglish know this. I am getting a huge rush from the new-found sense of power this discovery gives me.

For a second I thought it was an actual comment but the accompanying email/URL combination definitely indicated it was spam. So believable!

My favourite spam still has to be the random German spam I get occasionally. It would be impressive if only my German reading comprehension were higher than that of a four year-old.

I am not a statistician nor a sports analyst, clearly

So I have all these vacation days that I need to use up before the end of the calendar year, right? And since I’m not currently in a position to take a full week off work I staggered a bunch of my days around December, in part so that I could capitalize on some of the mid-week matches taking place this month. Fulham v Liverpool is not exactly a prestige match I would otherwise book time off to watch, especially if I had known the results beforehand. In the words of my sister Theresa, “Ugh, Fulham.”

But I’m not here to talk about that. I’m here to talk about the nonexistent but potential Jose Enrique / Stewart Downing / Andy Carroll power trio that currently exists only in my head. In fact, it’s so much in my head that it’s nearly impossible to find pictures of Carroll and Downing together in a Liverpool uniform; the best I could do was this picture from training ahead of today’s match where it looks like they’re holding hands. This may or may not be the key reason for choosing this picture.

With the way that Downing and Enrique have formed a nice symbiotic relationship on the left flank and the way that Downing, our King of Crosses, would be able to feed balls to Carroll, our potentially great King of Target Men, you’d think this would be a no brainer. Enrique is a lock to start every match so there’s no problem there; the problem is that we need Downing and Carroll to start every week. Of the 18 league and cup matches Liverpool have played this season (that’s approximately 1620 minutes not counting extra time), how many minutes have Downing and Carroll played together? 532. Of all the minutes available in the matches played thus far, they’ve played 33% of those minutes together.

Continue reading →

here is your throat back, thanks for the loan

Like many people, I have a weird obsession with online generators of all sorts (domain names, user names, etc.). I found one tonight that generates character details for writers and while clearly I am not a writer, I would love to read a book featuring some if not all of these characters:

  1. This cynical, charming glassblower has golden skin, green eyes, and golden brown hair. She is fragile, with a round, cheerful face. She has a romantic interest, but is not yet married.
  2. This is a fine-boned, chocolate-skinned woman with long black hair. She is a secretive beekeeper with an interest in astronomy. She is married, with several children.
  3. This judgmental, extravagant poet has chocolate skin, blue eyes, and brown hair. He is wiry, with a thin, hollow-cheeked face. He is married, but has no children.
  4. This man is a straightforward mason who is usually cheerful. He has long, rough dark brown hair, amber eyes, and coffee skin. He is fine-boned with a round, bland face.
  5. This man is compact and very dark-skinned, with a round, cheerful face. He has silky, black hair and grey-green eyes. He is a baker who is secretive by nature, and charismatic.
  6. This woman works as a town crier, although her real interest is gambling. She has amber eyes, and her hair is fine and brown. She is rotund, with a thin face. She is lazy and self-effacing.
  7. This woman is a passive thatcher who is usually smug. She has long, silky dark brown hair, green eyes, and reddish brown skin. She is athletic with a long face.
  8. This analytical, cheerful soothsayer has light skin, blue-grey eyes, and blond hair. She is slender, with a thin, hollow-cheeked face. Her main interest is gardening.

I think it’s the adjectives that go with each occupation that kill me most; it makes these characters sound like they should inhabit Bob Dylan songs circa 1965. There’s got to be a cynical glassblower, a secretive beekeeper, or a judgmental poet in “Ballad of a Thin Man” at the very least.

es ist Zeit für Schwarz und Weiß

Oh, Euro 2012 group draw, how lopsided you are. Because life is not fair, Germany managed to find a way to get drawn into the Group of Death with the Netherlands, Portugal, and Denmark.

But, let’s be practical here: facing the Netherlands and Portugal, and to a lesser extent Denmark, at this stage of the tournament could ultimately be better for the Germans in the long run. Barring a Katzeastrophe, Germany will get out of the group stage and not have to face the other team that advances from that group until the final (assuming both make it that far). So, get out of the Group of Death and you’re golden! And if both Germany and Spain win their groups, they also can’t meet each other until the final. If either win their group and the other is the runner-up, then they can’t meet until the semi-finals. Etc. (Insert other permutations here.) At any rate, clearly I’m planning my vacation days for next year already so I know when I’ll need to make myself available to watch this.

Mostly I just wanted an excuse to post this hilarious picture of mein klein Kapitän, Philipp Lahm. The green German away kits for Euro aren’t in stock anywhere yet, but I’m currently waiting on my Lahm home kit to come in the mail. Eeee!

links of interest for November 2nd – November 30th

Soccer

Miscellaneous

  • Crumpled City JUNIOR by Palomar – The Dieline
    "These maps belong to the series of the Crumpled City™ Family, the unique and indestructible maps that won’t need to get folded. [...] Rich in information: each map features several not-to-be-missed Junior locations. Such “unmissable” top places were selected thanks to the help of “special on location correspondents” who have turned these maps into up-to-date tools that make traveling come alive."
  • Design Crush » Popsicles!
    It's the wrong time of year for this but I do not care. Make your own popsicles!
  • How to be a fan of problematic things » Social Justice League
    "But when you say that sexism and racism and heterosexism and cissexism have to be in the narrative or the story won’t be realistic, what you are saying is that we humans literally cannot recognise ourselves without systemic prejudice, nor can we connect to characters who are not unrepentant bigots. Um, yikes. YIKES, you guys."