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you’re a welcome sight in these troubled times

One thing I love about blog spam is how highly specific and grammatically decent it’s getting. We’re all probably used to the highly unsophisticated string of links to pharmaceutical websites, but I occasionally I get to delight in spam that is phrased in a way that actually passes for legitimate English. I discovered this gem tonight:

The next time I read a blog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as much as this one. I mean, I know it was my choice to read, but I actually thought youd have something interesting to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about something that you could fix if you werent too busy looking for attention.

This was on my Andy Carroll + Stewart Downing = Awesome Goal-Scoring Times™ post, so I think what I’m supposed to take a way from all this is that my attention-seeking laziness is what’s preventing Liverpool from being the goal-scoring machine lurking within a team of poor finishers? Does Kenny Dalglish know this. I am getting a huge rush from the new-found sense of power this discovery gives me.

For a second I thought it was an actual comment but the accompanying email/URL combination definitely indicated it was spam. So believable!

My favourite spam still has to be the random German spam I get occasionally. It would be impressive if only my German reading comprehension were higher than that of a four year-old.

here is your throat back, thanks for the loan

Like many people, I have a weird obsession with online generators of all sorts (domain names, user names, etc.). I found one tonight that generates character details for writers and while clearly I am not a writer, I would love to read a book featuring some if not all of these characters:

  1. This cynical, charming glassblower has golden skin, green eyes, and golden brown hair. She is fragile, with a round, cheerful face. She has a romantic interest, but is not yet married.
  2. This is a fine-boned, chocolate-skinned woman with long black hair. She is a secretive beekeeper with an interest in astronomy. She is married, with several children.
  3. This judgmental, extravagant poet has chocolate skin, blue eyes, and brown hair. He is wiry, with a thin, hollow-cheeked face. He is married, but has no children.
  4. This man is a straightforward mason who is usually cheerful. He has long, rough dark brown hair, amber eyes, and coffee skin. He is fine-boned with a round, bland face.
  5. This man is compact and very dark-skinned, with a round, cheerful face. He has silky, black hair and grey-green eyes. He is a baker who is secretive by nature, and charismatic.
  6. This woman works as a town crier, although her real interest is gambling. She has amber eyes, and her hair is fine and brown. She is rotund, with a thin face. She is lazy and self-effacing.
  7. This woman is a passive thatcher who is usually smug. She has long, silky dark brown hair, green eyes, and reddish brown skin. She is athletic with a long face.
  8. This analytical, cheerful soothsayer has light skin, blue-grey eyes, and blond hair. She is slender, with a thin, hollow-cheeked face. Her main interest is gardening.

I think it’s the adjectives that go with each occupation that kill me most; it makes these characters sound like they should inhabit Bob Dylan songs circa 1965. There’s got to be a cynical glassblower, a secretive beekeeper, or a judgmental poet in “Ballad of a Thin Man” at the very least.

the adidas ClimaCool® rating proved he was a red (Torres, Torres)

One good thing about soccer jerseys is that they are made with the same technical fibres as the clothing you exercise in, which means that when one of your team’s favourite players defects to a would be rival and you can no longer wear his kit to the pub on match day without enduring feelings of intense nausea, you can still wear it as a last resort when all your other running clothes are in the laundry and you need something that wicks away sweat so you don’t freeze to death when it’s only -2°C outside.

Fernando Torres, this may or may not be the current function of my Liverpool number 9 longsleeve at the moment. Some day I will wear it with pride again, but right now we’re still smack dab in the “too soon!” phase.

and on top of enduring this trauma I was unable to find a new winter coat

There needs to be a scientific theorem named for the phenomenon wherein a person’s speed is inversely proportional to the number of people they are walking with.

Clearly I was at the mall tonight. Can someone explain to me why Canada now has Black Friday sales (lasting three days)? If we’re going to adopt Black Friday, we damn well better adopt American Thanksgiving as a statutory holiday in the middle of the week too.

yes, I think it can be very easily done

Here’s my new favourite thing: the Liverpool FC posts unsubstantiated rumours about themselves on their own website and then adds a disclaimer at the bottom that says “This story has been reproduced from today’s media. It does not necessarily represent the position of Liverpool Football Club.” What, pray tell, is the point of reporting it on your official site, then?

As a side note, I agree with the commenter who expressed “OH. MY. GOD. THIS IS FANTASTIC!!!!!!” to the rumour that Mario Gomez could be coming to Liverpool. I was not necessarily a fan during the World Cup but wow wow wow basically changed my mind. I remain unconvinced that this will happen, but I will remain hopeful until the bitter end.

Can you do the hippogriff?

Awesome thing I just remembered but will probably forget again by the time I get around to finishing my San Diego posts: the weather channel in San Diego played snippets of the Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone score as background music. It was delightful!