01. Oh Bruce Willis, I would totally do you. I love how he is a total man’s man through and through and yet he’s all squishy on the inside. The bit where he was going on about how being a “hero” means being divorced, having kids who won’t talk to you, and eating alone every night? Audrey and I kept going “AW!!!” because it was so tragic. Poor, poor John McClane.
02. Loved the cuts he got all over his beautiful bald head.
03. Didn’t hate Justin Long in this. Truthfully, I don’t hate him in anything but Mac ads. Speaking of which, all I could think of at the start when all the hackers were dying because the whole Ctrl + Alt + Delete thing kept exploding their systems was that Justin Long would have been fine if he had been using a Mac. OH THE IRONIES PRESENTED BY ONE’S SPOKESPERSONSHIP. Etc. He was kind of adorable, really, especially when McClane asked him if he was okay after one explosion or another and he was like “I scraped my knee and my asthma is acting up. ” LKAJSDLK:J NICE.
04. McClane did not have a black sidekick in this one; we assumed they’re trying to branch out into different visible minorities by having his Sidekick-On-Radio be the dude from the FBI.
05. You sort of expect some really ridiculous yet awesome action sequences in these films and this one totally delivers on that front, but by the time McClane was taking the 18-wheeler up the on-ramp of the highway to do battle with the fighter jet? Come on.
06. The best part in the entire film, bar none? When that one guy introduced himself as Agent Johnson and the look on McClane’s face was like “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” LKJASD:KLJA:SLKDJA:LKSJD NO RELATION!
07. Didn’t love the parkour in this one because I felt like it was just copying Casino Royale. That said, when McClane called the parkour guy a hamster, I died. And when that guy fell into those turbines or whatever? SO AWESOME AND SO GROSS. Loved McClane’s reaction to it. Loved his reactions to most things, actually.
08. Every time Lucy came on screen, all I could hear in my head was “McClane Residence, Lucy McClane speaking!” “Hello, Lucy McClane, this is your mother.”
09. HI, JOHN McCLANE KILLED THE CHIEF BAD GUY BY SHOOTING HIM THROUGH HIMSELF. THROUGH HIMSELF. HE AIMED THE GUN AT HIS OWN SHOULDER WOUND AND SHOT THROUGH HIS OWN FLESH TO KILL THE GUY STANDING BEHIND HIM. HELLO. THIS IS WHY HE’S THE BEST ACTION STAR EVER, PEOPLE.
10. Speaking of which, I really hate fucking lame cyber-villains. I mean, their group had their shit together, obviously, which is a big deal since most villains are always so ill-prepared for what they’re trying to do, but the guy just seemed so freaking lame. Like… I know it’s really hard to live up to Alan Rickman and Jeremy Irons, but I don’t get quite the same presence from this guy’s characters as I do from them. “Asian Dawn?” “I read about them in Time magazine.”
11. I’m still trying to work out how I feel about fights where women and men beat the hell out of each other. I think I have a hesitancy to enjoy a scene where a guy is pulverizing a woman for all the obvious reasons someone should not enjoy that, but since the context is not one of domestic abuse and both characters are evenly matched (until the point where McClane invariably wins, of course), I think I enjoy it because it’s not something you see very often. I liked it in Mr. and Mrs. Smith, although they ended up having sex afterwards, of course. Plus I like that McClane can get beat up by a woman and still come off as a tough guy.
12a. I was wondering how they’d work in “YIPPEE-KI-YAY, MOTHERFUCKER!” since I knew this was rated PG-13 (and whatever the equivalent is in Canada) and while I really wish he had been able to say it, I’m not displeased with how they bleeped out the “fucker” part with the sound of a gunshot. It was an okay compromise, given that they didn’t have any other options.
12b. Okay, hi, they need to make these movies Rated R again. John McClane is still lean and mean and tough without saying the word “fuck” all the time, but at the same time I just love hearing him swear like a sailor and the stupid PG-13 rating didn’t allow for that. Bah.