that’s my favourite cheese as well

As a Gary Oldman fan, I am not unfamiliar with the pain and tragedy of working through an actor’s back catalogue on a quest to see everything they’ve ever done, only to encounter performances in middling to horrendous projects too upsetting to comprehend.

Which brings me to Michael Fassbender. Oh, Fassbender. I told myself a few weeks ago that I would not put myself through the Gary Oldman Experience™ for him because I couldn’t do it again, I just couldn’t. But the harder you resist these things, the more compelled you feel and so here I am. I am not unhelpful, though, and so I bring capsule reviews of the stuff I’ve seen thus far in hopes that it may save you some precious hours (or direct you to unintentional hilarity). Spoilers ahoy, as per usual.

X-Men: First Class (2011)

This is a recent one so obviously I do not need to extol the virtues of ol’ Fassy in this. The man will singlehandedly revitalize the turtleneck, I swear to god. (my review)

Jane Eyre (2011)

I didn’t love this, but I can see myself watching this as background noise in the future. (my review)

Inglourious Basterds (2009)

This movie has grown on me significantly since I first saw it, although I still agree with my original assessment that the Operation Kino scenes are the best. And I still want a bar housed in a giant globe. (my review)

Fish Tank (2009)

IMDB Synopsis: Everything changes for 15yr old Mia when her mum brings home a new boyfriend.

I have well documented challenges with enjoying movies about tetchy teenagers so Mia’s constant fighting with everyone who comes across her path was difficult for me to sit through (out of annoyance, not out of discomfort). Fassbender plays Mia’s mom’s new BF and gives off a subtle predatory vibe from the beginning, behaving completely inappropriately with her in a variety of situations. The acting is pretty good and worth watching the movie for, but I found the plot predictable in places (gee, is she auditioning for a strip club without knowing it?) and downright ridiculous in others (the whole sequence at the end with Connor’s daughter). Priority alert: features shirtless Fassbender in several scenes.

Eden Lake (2008)

IMDB Synopsis: Refusing to let anything spoil their romantic weekend break, a young couple confront a gang of loutish youths with terrifyingly brutal consequences.

Torture porn is not usually a genre I bother spending time with but desperate times call for desperate measures. This managed to combine two things I fear greatly: camping and bored, aggressive teenagers. The writing isn’t great in the lead-up to the altercation with the teens; a lot of it is kind of cheesy and trite but I’m hoping this was purposeful in setting up a contrast between that and the brutality that comes later in the film. (I can dream.) If you like horror movies that are ground in realistic scenarios that could happen in real life if you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time, then you might enjoy this. Enjoy may be a strong word for it. Priority alert: shirtless Fassbender in several scenes.

Hunger (2008)

IMDB Synopsis: The last six weeks of the life of the Irish republican hunger striker Bobby Sands.

This is hardest thing I’ve watched in recent memory, and not for the same reason that a lot of other stuff on this list is hard to watch. I nearly vomitted at least fourteen times while watching this, I’m not even kidding. The first half hour depicts two prisoners partaking in the no wash protest at the prison (click only if you have a strong stomach) and it’s supremely difficult to sit through. Eventually we’re introduced to Bobby Sands (Fassbender) who goes on a hunger strike that eventually kills him. Fassbender is spectacular in this and although once he starts his hunger strike the film again becomes incredibly challenging to watch, it’s still mindbogglingly good. But, I like minimalism; it’s a very quiet film with oppressive silences and if that kind of thing doesn’t work for you, you may never get through the first ten minutes. You don’t need to watch this more than once, but I do advise watching it at least that one time. Priority alert: there’s shirtless Fassbender, but it’s hunger strike nakedness followed by hospitalized nakedness, so… doesn’t really count. This movie is brutal.

Wedding Belles (2007)

IMDB Synopsis: A darkly humorous look at the lives and loves of four modern women, each with their own remarkable, intriguing and often tragic stories.

That this is a made-for-TV movie is really all you need to know. Everyone is delightfully Scottish and there is a hair salon called Live and Let Dye, and that about sums up the best things about it. Fassbender, also delightfully Scottish, is in this for about five minutes as the fresh-from-prison ex-boyfriend of one of the women who is now getting married to someone else, thus giving Barney misty eyes of sadness.

But not before he decides that he’ll wow everyone with his dance moves. I’m not kidding. Witness this spectacular sequence in which Barney breaks loose, enjoy the brief cameo of his red patent leather shoes, and enjoy the cocky look on his face that suggests he truly believes this is a quality piece of choreography. (Acting!)

This is seriously about 75% of Fassbender’s screen time in this movie.

Angel (2007)

IMDB Synopsis: The rise and fall of a young eccentric British writer, in the early 20th century.

The title character is, unfortunately, one of the most obnoxious characters to ever exist. Completely delusional and convinced of her own superior talents that are mostly in her head, Angel makes it really, really, really hard to like her. She improves significantly after Esme (Fassbender), her painter husband, decides to join up and fight in The Great War because she finally manages to get some semblance of a sense of perspective to things, but unfortunately you have to sit through at least half the movie before this happens. I kind of liked the differences between Esme and Angel in terms of both their personalities and their approach to art, but Esme returns from the war with a big beard, an amputation, and a heavy dose of shell shock that eventually leads him to kill himself, but not before he decides to cheat on Angel a lot with some woman from his past. There’s some pretty bad CGI in any and all scenes involving travel of some kind, although there is one particular mode of transportation that I will not spoil for you but which is delightful and hilarious. I might watch this again, and only because I know Angel doesn’t stay horrible through the whole thing. Priority alert: Fassbender full nudity from the back.

300 (2006)

I don’t know if you know this, but he’ll fight in the shade if arrows block out the sun. I still find this movie slow, boring, and incredibly tedious. (my review)

Hex (2004-2005)

IMDB Synopsis: Cassie is a shy college girl who wants to be accepted by others, but is only truly loved by her best friend Thelma. Cassie later discovers that she possesses dangerous powers, and is being drawn into a world thats far beyond her control. And the man that she should fear the most manages to find a way into her heart.

This show is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. If you’re friends with me on Twitter, you’ve had to endure my live tweeting while I watch and suffer through this. Basically, Cassie attends a horrendously low-quality university housed in the centuries old former home of a British witch who was obsessed with voodoo because of the slaves she owned. (Or something.) Fassbender plays Azazeal, a Nephilim who is basically sleeping his way through the centuries and through the female descendents of the voodoo-loving witch so that one of them may eventually give birth to his evil offspring. He’s been continually thwarted until he meets and impregnates Cassie, who is advised that she can’t give birth to the baby or else Evil Will Come™, so they spend their entire Christmas episode discussing abortion. (I’m not even kidding.) Cassie thinks the procedure happened; Azazeal manages to have the baby delivered with the help of an evil accomplice doctor (who gave the sage advise earlier that “Abortion is permanent”). Then basically they spend the second season trying to prevent the end of the world or something; I’m fuzzy on the details because it was so nonsensical and terrible.

Anyway. Dear old Fassy basically gets to stand around looking sullen and despondent (“Why will no one have my demon babies?!”) and cries lots of single tears (see above) while sporting bad guyliner. They cut his hair in Season 2 and somehow he suddenly becomes more bearable but ultimately Azazeal the Single Dad storyline is kind of hilarious. When he finds out Cassie is pregnant, he says to her, in all seriousness, “I’ve been thinking about strollers.” When Cassie finds out her son was born and promptly tries to kidnap him, Azazeal stomps on a carton of milk in a church in anger. I just… I can’t even. Also, priority alert: this show is so bad that I cannot even remember if there is any Fassbender nudity in it (there’s lots of other sporadic nudity, though). No one ever needs to watch this show.