- I’m so used to typing my own name that I wrote The Book of Eliz first.
- Whenever you have one of those conversations with people where you talk about what you would theoretically do if you ever found out the apocalypse was nigh and you had a week to live, I usually answer that I’d probably kill myself. I can’t imagine what I would do with a week that would make up for my world ending, but more importantly I’m really not interested in being victim to the kind of debasement that takes place in the new age once the dust has settled. Every woman in this movie is victimized on some level; if you’re a woman in this movie, it’s likely that at some point you were brutally raped or “owned” by the self-made mayor of your makeshift town or described as “useful” only when you’re using sex to convince a man to stick around for your boss/sicko pseudo step-father’s benefit. No. Sorry. If the apocalypse is going to act like a reverse Darwin Award and allow only rapists and criminals to survive, I don’t need to be a part of that.
- Unless of course I get to witness a rapist get cross-bowed through the crotch. That was undeniably awesome.
- Also, note to people of colour: you don’t survive the apocalypse either, unless you’re Denzel or the one other black guy. P.S. The other black guy gets shot point-blank in the head for fucking something up. Hooray for messaging!
- I kind of loved the old cannibal couple with their good china and wind-up phonograph, and not least of all because it was Dumbledore and Madam Maxime reuinted once again! Heh.
- It was kind of hilarious that we’re constantly being told that watching copious amounts of television leads to illiteracy and yet none of the illiterates knew what a television was.
- There was a ton of unintentional comedy in this movie, from really awful slow-motion shots and elaborately stupid fight sequences, to Gary Oldman frequently being announced by a score of doom-laden trombones, etc. Malcolm McDowell showing up at the end wearing Brent Spiner’s wig from Independence Day was particularly hysterical. On more than one occasion I wondered if it wasn’t meant to be a big in-joke, but I suspect it’s not.
- Hey, Gary Oldman: Zorg called, he wants his 1990s villainy back. Between this and Avatar, I’m 98% sure that it’s 1997 and I’m fifteen years old. I don’t understand him. He is pretty widely revered by his peers and fans and filmmakers, so you’d think there would be no shortage of good roles for him. I mean, wouldn’t you want Gary Oldman in your movie? I would. And yet… we get stuff like this. And The Unborn. And Dead Fish (which I couldn’t even finish, it was so bad). And Sin. And Tiptoes. I would continue but you get the idea. If you remove his involvement in the franchise films, I’d wager that at least 80% of his movies from the last ten years have gone straight to DVD without ever getting a theatrical release. Casting agents, you are not doing your jobs! People who are responsible for sending people scripts, you are not doing your jobs! Gary’s agent, you are not doing your job! If you no longer find joy in acting, that’s fine, but don’t tease me by continuing to act in crappy movies.
In short, I’m very much looking forward to the last Harry Potter movie and the next Batman film. Ugh.
- I like seeing things like ice cream trucks re-purposed as armoured vehicles.
- I find it hard to believe that a braille version of the Bible would have been bound in such an antiquated way. I also refuse to believe that it would only be as thick as it was. Bibles are thick when the text is printed on tissue paper; if you’re printing braille on it, it’s going to be several times thicker. Belief: not suspended.
- I kind of love Tom Waits as an actor.
- In keeping with one of my favourite things in the world to do, naturally I visited the IMDB forum afterwards. There’s an amazing thread about whether or not Eli was blind in which there is the following exchange:
unearthednjhc: Also, I noticed the clicking sounds he would make with his mouth. This is a version of sonar that some blind people use to tell how far away an object or person is. Kind of like a bat.
Masterfulks: Blind people don’t have sonar…
OMG. Quick, someone tell Bruce Wayne to disband the army of blind people he assembled to help him image all of Gotham City.
- So… Alcatraz is the Rock that civilization will be rebuilt on? Really? Thank you for that subtle bit of symbolism.
Categories: 1 Star