01. This movie could have alternatively been called King Arthur: The Prequel. Literally. Everything about any movie version of the King Arthur story you’ve ever seen is present here, only they rename everything because, of course, it’s a prequel. Even though the prequel story is identical to the actual story.

02. This movie was so cheesy. SO CHEESY. I have not seen a movie this cheesy in a long time because these days most people have the decency to be ironic when they’re exhibiting such supreme cheese on screen. The Last Legion, thy name is Gouda.

03. Every facet of this movie was so predictable; you could see every revelation the characters had coming a mile away. When the soldier from Constantinople first showed up with his face shrouded and was a Fighter of Supreme Talent and Skill, you knew it could only be a woman. The reaction when she revealed her true identity was a little underplayed. I mean come on, this is fifth century AD Rome, these men are not going to have “Oh, how interesting!” reactions and continue on their merry way without questioning this.

04. They faced absolutely no obstacles when escaping Rome for Britania. When they were crossing the Alps on foot, I kept picturing Sauruman trying to bring down the mountains all around the Fellowship, what with Ben Kingsley in a greying robe and with long grey hair. Romulus was like a Hobbit. Someone asked Ben Kingsley’s character, Ambrosinus, what his name was and when he said “I go by many names”, I expected him to follow with “… such as Gandalf the Gray”. Too much LOTR on the brain, clearly.

05. This whole sword in a pentagram thing reminds me way too much of the Deathly Hallows, to the point where I kept thinking the random Goth would be unable to wield Caeser’s sword because he hadn’t won it legitimately. Also, that guy had an awesome yet ridiculous facial scar.

06. This movie seriously tried to be a romantic comedy in places. When Aurelius and Mira were scaling the wall of the island fortress (the Alcatraz of the ancient world), they kept playing that cutesy, sexual tension filled rom-com music when Mira slipped and conveniently fell into the arms of Aurelius. I died, in a bad way.

07. Greatest use of CGI: during the battle at Hadrian’s Wall when Ambrosinus stood surveying the battle, raised his arms, and shot GIANT FLAMING ROCKS out of his finger tips at the invading hordes.

08. Ben Kingsley is kind of awesome as an action star, kicking people’s asses with his giant bo staff of fiery doom.

09. The cute kid who played Sam in Love Actually was Romulus, the heir to the throne. Whenever he and Colin Firth shared the screen, all I could think was “I HATE UNCLE JAMIE.”

10. Really, the only redeeming thing about this movie is that at least it had sword fights and Romans. You can never go wrong with that, no matter how bad the movie is.

11. So, apparently there’s this prophecy surrounding the sword that gives power to the true Caesar, and thus the sword is covered in Latin inscriptions detailing said prophecy. After the battle is finished, the sword is inevitably lodged inside a stone for Romulus’ young son Arthur to find a generation later. Of course, the sword is now covered in lichen and moss and is weathered with age, thus covering up some of the inscription. Which letters are still visible to young Arthur? E S CALIBVR. No, seriously, that’s how the movie ended: with a close up of the sword, the letters beginning to glow until the screen faded to black, leaving us with the name of Arthur’s fabled sword. * facepalm *

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Categories: 1 Star