- Since this is the teenage girl equivalent of the teenage boy wet dream that was Transformers 2: LMFAOMG, I offer a short summary of this movie:
EDWARD BROODS! BELLA BROODS! Jasper tries to eat their dinner guest. EDWARD BROODS! The Cullens relocate to Bon Temps, Louisiana. BELLA BROODS! October. BELLA BROODS! November. BELLA BROODS! December. BELLA BROODS! January. BELLA BROODS! February. Your inbox is full, lovelorn_klutz@gmail.com. BELLA BROODS… and builds motorcycles? BELLA THRILL-SEEKS! Jacob takes off his shirt. BELLA THRILL-SEEKS! Jacob takes off his shirt. BELLA THRILL-SEEKS! Jacob takes off his shirt. BELLA THRILL-SEEKS! Jacob takes off his shirt. BELLA THRILL-SEEKS! OMG IT’S THE GRIM! BELLA THRILL-SEEKS! Jacob takes off his shirt. ALICE ARRIVES! Jacob accidentally-on-purpose implies to Edward that Bella is dead. EDWARD BROODS! AND BROODS AND BROODS! Edward vamp!runs to Italy because of an ancient and obscure rule that you are to be killed if you sparkle in the presence of Muggles but only if you do it at high noon in this tiny and very specific Italian town. EDWARD BROODS! BELLA BROODS! Crisis averted, except not. The Volturi have some tourists for lunch and Tony Blair is satisfied. BELLA BROODS! EDWARD BROODS! Jacob takes off his shirt and stands in the road. EDWARD BROODS! JACOB BROODS! BELLA BROODS! Marriage proposal. THE END.
It must be hard to write a plot synopsis for a movie that has absolutely zero plot. This entire movie is a visualization of the kind of things that a moody teenage girl with extreme mental health problems would write about melodramatically in her journal (and by journal, I mean a series of undeliverable emails to acu11zheartsp0nies69@hotmail.com) after her boyfriend breaks up with her. In short: NOT GOOD SUBJECT MATTER. I say this upfront as a former teenage girl with journals that should now be destroyed due to my own melodramatic hysterics over stupid things. These are things you go through, sure, and maybe they’re valuable life experiences (debatable) but when brought front and centre for everyone to see, it’s just embarrassing. - If I thought Twilight was bad for trying to pass off disturbing romantic relationships as being genuine and healthy, I was not prepared for this. My friends, bless their hearts, will not let me read these books because they will apparently make me too angry. New Moon really topped Twilight in the extreme co-dependency department and while Edward disappears for such huge chunks of time that the sneaky nighttime visits and “P.S. I’m trying hard not to kill you” comments are no longer so disturbing, it’s replaced by Bella’s incredibly upsetting thrill-seeking. I have no problem with Bella being an adrenaline junkie if that’s what gets her off, but I do have an incredibly huge problem with her engaging in absolutely stupid effing behaviour so that she can see ghostly hallucinations of her ex-boyfriend because she thinks this will call him back to her side, since previously he’s always been there in a flash when she’s been in danger. Do I have to say how fucking sick this is? This is not romantic, Twihards, this is super scary shit. I especially love that it took father-of-the-year Charlie Swan at least five months to tell his daughter that perhaps her behaviour was unhealthy. No kidding, dude. Someone needs to teach this girl how to be single, which I suppose is difficult when every last female character in the movie is paired up. Still. Bella, get a hobby.
- Speaking of which: Bella, when you have visual evidence of someone’s violence in a relationship, you need to see it for what it is. I don’t care if Sam had a “weak” moment where he couldn’t control his wolfy anger and he lashed out at Emily. I mean, do you hear the phrasing there, Bella? “I’m sorry, baby, I just couldn’t control it! It’s just that sometimes I get so angry!” LADIES. We call these warning signs. Run away. If your significant other gets mad and re-sculpts your face so that you more closely resemble a post-accident Harvey Dent, you don’t stay in that relationship. And if you do? Nurse!Joker sends her love, because she’ll be seeing you over and over. Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. People, this is fucked up and it isn’t made okay by the giant tray of muffins Emily bakes for no apparent reason.
- I loved how they tried to go for the Romeo And Juliet thing of ill-timed and mistaken messages when Jacob accidentally-on-purpose tells Edward that Charlie is preparing a funeral. I loved this only because I’ve always thought Romeo and Juliet are complete codependent tools whose fickle hearts probably would have grown bored if they had been forced to spend more than two days together and that their own stupidity led to their own demise. Unfortunately, Edward and Bella manage to circumvent the deaths that Shakespeare would have doomed them to. Christ, I wish Shakespeare had written these books instead.
- Speaking of which, the only way for Bella to get a hold of Edward in Italy was to actually go there? Seriously? I know he crushed his cell phone with a Fist of Angst™ when he thought Bella was dead, but I refuse to believe there is absolutely no other way to communicate with him. Carrier pigeon. Morse code. Telegram. Anything.
- Graham Greene!! Awesome.
- Bella is absolutely the world’s worst scrapbooker. GIANT PIECES OF SCOTCH TAPE ON TWO CORNERS OF A PHOTO FOLDED IN HALF. Unacceptable. I know Bella is generally a talentless hack all around, but come on. Terrible. No arts and craft skills whatsoever. Maybe this is why she has no hobbies and chooses to brood all the time instead.
- Victoria was a total non-event considering the fact that I imagine I was supposed to have anxiety about her trying to kill Bella. I guess I would have had the proper reaction if I wasn’t actively cheering for her to kill Bella.
- Jessica was the best character in the first film and she was absolutely the best in the second as well. I think I love Anna Kendrick and am pretty excited to see her in Up In The Air now. Bella’s friends in general were pretty entertaining in this one, including Mike who I previously hated.
- Movies that need to be made, stat: Face Punch. AWESOME. Also, I’d see a rom-com called Love is Love Spelled Backwards.
- Pretty sure that Edward jizzed in his pants when he kissed Bella after he drove her home on her birthday. Our audience was pretty awkward in that moment.
- The shot of Jacob taking off his shirt is pretty much this movie’s equivalent of Hugh Jackman pouring a bucket of water over himself in Australia: unnecessary and absolutely hilarious.
- “Marry me.” FADE TO BLACK. What.
- Taylor Lautner is a really, really bad actor. I didn’t notice it in the first one, probably because he didn’t have as much screen time. Also, they gave him the worst wig imaginable for the first half of the movie.
- I loved how even though they were in a hurry, Alice was able to procure the proper scarf and driving gloves needed for driving through the Italian countryside in a 1960s movie.
- While all the slow motion is hysterical, I particularly loved Edward’s opening scene where he walked through the school parking lot with the wind billowing through his shirt.
- Um, bright and cheery Edward and Bella in pastel slacks and billowy dress was HILARIOUS. Oh my god, I didn’t even know what to say.
- This movie really draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaged. Why on earth is it 130 minutes long? Then again, if they cut out all the brooding we’d be left with a pretty short film.
- So, the older you get as a vampire, the more red your eyes are? Also, Dakota Fanning’s vampire talent is… pain?
- Also: EDWARD’S FACE CRACKED. OMG. BECAUSE IT’S MARBLE. IT CRACKED. Then it healed because of the healing power of sparkles. Um.
- Sheriff Eric Northman > Kinda King Aro. Aro was still kind of hilarious, although I’m sick of people making “You’re such a curious oddity” eyes at Bella all the time. Pro tip: you can’t read her thoughts because she doesn’t have any of her own.
- Why did they insist on making this the unintentional comedy hit of the holiday season? I haven’t laughed this hard or this consistently in ages. I was happy that we were sitting in a section with like-minded individuals, especially the teenagers behind us who I worried would be Twihards but turned out to be more skeptical fans. When Bella told Jacob that she’d always choose Edward over him, one of the girls was like “Wow, that’s a Face Punch right there!” and I died.
- This movie apparently now holds the record for biggest first-day ticket sales of all time. On the one hand, I’m really, really happy that a movie about a girl holds this record and is holding its own against the other big name blockbusters at the box office, proving that movies about girls and for girls are viable financial properties for studios to continue investing in. On the other hand, it depresses me that it has to be an absolutely crappy film that holds this distinction. Oh well, I guess proving that crappy girl-oriented movies can be just as successful as boy-oriented crappy movies is a start. Not the greatest message in the world, but I suppose it’s something. Let’s try for quality next time!
- Yesterday I helped a woman learn to use the automatic ticket kiosk to purchase a ticket to An Education and told her that it was really quite good. I advise that you go see that instead. Those are the kinds of movies we should be going to see in droves.
Related posts: Twilight , A Christmas Carol , The Time Traveler’s Wife , Up In The Air , The Vintner’s Luck
zomg. this post was full of more win than i had even anticipated! (epic lulz at nurse joker “hiiiiiii.”) may i just say, you sound like the *perfect* movie companion. i’ve been itching to see this 4 teh lulz, but none of my boring friends will oblige me! they all hate twilight and i’m like, “b-b-b-but how can you hate this and not just die laughing at it!?” i mean, really. or they don’t want to pony up the $12 for a ticket; i’d like to think of it as paying for the opportunity to heap scorn and derision on a deserving target.
“Um, bright and cheery Edward and Bella in pastel slacks and billowy dress was HILARIOUS.”
oh, this can’t be real. this is too good to be real. really? i could scarcely dream of such a scenario if i was satirizing twilight; self-parody at its most radiant (or most sparkly?).
re: romeo & juliet: is your heart really that dark or are you shielding an extra-gooey center? both?
Surely there’s a cheap ticket night your friends can attend!
Okay so I am a huge twilight fan, and I watched New Moon on November 20, (and loved it)…but I still agree with tons of your points! The way you wrote this is hilarious! A few things you would probably understand better if you had read the books (such as Jane’s [Dakota Fanning's] power), but still, your reactions to things are awesome!
See, I knew it was going to be bad. But you make it sound so bad I actually kind of want to see it now just to laugh my ass off.
I will admit to wanting to see it a second time, not gonna lie.
LOVE YOUR REVIEW!! Though I’m a huge Edward Cullen fan, I must agree on some of the points you made here. HILARIOUS! :))
This is why they don’t make movies about girls, because girls just aren’t good source material. (joking. Anyone that is happy a movie about a girl is the best seller would probably take offense even though it’s clearly a joke)
If your joke wasn’t part of the unfortunately dominant point of view amongst film makers and movie blogs, it might come across more hilariously.
“Pro tip: you can’t read her thoughts because she doesn’t have any of her own.”
Excellence, as always. Why have I never heard of An Education? I’ll likely go see it now.
Ok, so I should probably ID myself from the start as an avid fan-of-the-books-hater-of-the-movies. What can I say – everyone needs a guilty pleasure and, just like bacon cheese fries, these books make me feel warm & happy even though I know each bite is slowly corrupting my insides.
That being said, I whole-heartedly agree with your review. A enjoyed your Romeo & Juliet assessment, as I too never quite liked/sympathized with that couple. Though I hate to quote Grey’s Anat, I think they put it best: If Juliet was stupid enough to fall for the enemy, drink a bottle of poison, and fall asleep in a mausoleum, she deserved whatever she got.
#7 = LOLZ. Seriously though, that is a pretty big problem – she has no hobbies whatsoever – no dreams or aspirations beyond Edward. What does she do when Edward isn’t around? Why, wait for him to return of course! Ew. Just wait until the next movie, where she doesn’t want to go to college but would rather just follow Edward around. La-sigh.
#11 – that’s EXACTLY what I thought when I saw it! I kept glancing around, wondering if anyone else thought that was weird/inappropriate – no dice.
#17 – Knowing I was surrounded by twihards at my theater, I managed to keep my chuckles internal – that is, until the ‘pastel slacks and billowy dress’ part. No power in the verse could keep me from choking out a laugh at that.
#18 – seeing as how I was pissed that they cut out a bunch of my fav parts from the book, I was surprised by how the movie dragged. You’d think if there was so much content that they had to cut stuff, then the stuff remaining would be vital. Nope.
What can I say that hasn’t already been said? I am one of the guilty few who reluctantly admit to liking the books (though Stephanie Meyer is not exceptionally talented, she knows how to appeal to teenage girls and hopeless romantics) and yes, I go to all the midnight premiers and will continue to until Breaking Dawn is completed.
HOWEVER, as a woman, I can’t help but want to face punch Bella 98% of the time, the 2% being when…well, I’m not sure when. She’s not a relatable character because she has NO backbone or sense of self. Blah, blah my life is dependent on Edward blah blah. This is especially sad since he doesn’t have any vital organs to donate when/if Bella trips on her own feet and impails herself with a toothpick to the liver.
And the birthday kiss scene….why do they insist on making Robert Pattinson make faces that can be synched with “Jizz In My Pants” as the background music (i.e. the scene in Twilight where Bella’s hair gets caught in the wind from a fan in biology)? It’s just asking for a youtube montage.
Sure, you would understand more if you read the books…(“My friends won’t let me read them..” Really? You’ll attack Bella for her inability to think for herself but you succumb to the pressures of your friends on the matter of literature? Hmmm) but your points are so on-spot I about died.
Also, if I have to hear Kristen Stewart stutter (the hosipital scene from Twilight…) incoherently one more time, I’m going face STAB her.
And the pants/billowy dress part…even the hxc fans at the midnight premier were looking at each other like, “is this some kind of joke?” it had to be right?
And, as much as I love selfless Carlisle…what was with that scarf in the voting scene? Keeping your neck warm Carlisle? With your spaghetti scarf? I don’t think so.
As for the Jacob-without-his-shirt thing, even that is explained in the book…when he phases into a wolf all his clothes combust so it makes sense to wear as little as necessary…however, that tiny wooly mammoth/bump-it combo he was wearing in the first half of the movie has GOT TO GO.
And Edward cracks like marble because his body is comparable to stone in texture. On a side note, when he opens his shirt to reveal himself to the public to provoke the Vulturi…after all those scenes of tanned, toned Jacob, I couldn’t help but think….Man, Edward’s body looks like Jesus right now, in the worst way possible. There’s a reason no one respects Edward Cullen as a legitimate vampire and it starts with the fact that he looks like a high school hipster.
Oh, and the whole “Bella you’re a curious oddity” point…yeahhh, self depreciating, dependent, needy girls are a dime a dozen. Where have they been looking? Clearly not in American high schools, because girls like Bella are a-plenty there.
So, I can’t say I’m mad at the Twilight mania, I’m a a little wrapped up in it, in a non-creepy, guilty pleasure, still aware enough to feel shame about it kind of way…which makes it easy for me to say that your review was amazing, though I do wish you would read the books and do your research first…that I could respect even more. Hating the franchise just because it’s a franchise makes you just as overrated as the Twilight series itself. Fabulous review. Big fan, foam finger, Number One.
“Really? You’ll attack Bella for her inability to think for herself but you succumb to the pressures of your friends on the matter of literature? Hmmm”
No, that comment was not meant to be taken literally. I assure you I am quite capable of choosing for myself what I read; however, it is nice to have friends who know the kinds of things I absolutely hate and who can warn me in advance when that kind of content is omnipresent in a poorly written 600 page book for tweens.
“though I do wish you would read the books and do your research first…that I could respect even more. Hating the franchise just because it’s a franchise makes you just as overrated as the Twilight series itself.”
I’m a huge fan of a variety of franchises (Harry Potter, Star Wars, LOTR, etc.) so trust me, this is about hating the appalling messages and ridiculous story, not the franchise. I continue to stand by what I always say about book-to-movie adaptations: the movie has to stand on its own merits, regardless of the quality of the source material. I don’t think there’s anything I’m confused on from not having read the books because a lot of the stuff I am laughing at for being ridiculous is stuff I already know happens in the books.
“you are welcome to my den of sin”
priceless.
I will say, your post made me laugh LOL good points of view. :)
however, like any movie based on a book, the book will be ten times better than the movie. My advice to anyone who says the movie is horrible, read the book then judge the whole picture. Everyone has their own opinion, and being human and having free speech makes that possible. :)
No, movies need to stand on their own apart from their source material. If they’re bad adaptations, then they’re bad adaptations. Reading the book(s) isn’t going to change that.
I know you’re a longtime RPattz fan–do the Twilight movies change that in any way? What did you think of his performance? I’m a fan of RPattz as a hilariously befuddled stoner, but I don’t think the poor boy can act to save his soul.
I thought he was much better in Twilight than he was in New Moon. Something I loved when he first got cast in the role was the candidness he did his interviews with; he was always going on about how utterly psychotic Edward Cullen is as a character and I thought in the first film he did a good job of bringing out the crazy and making Edward look like an abusive stalker rather than a romantic marble god (not that this seemed to matter in the grand scheme of things since I don’t think most fans saw his performance in that light). In this one, he just broods and then disappears for half the movie. I think early on he said this one was his favourite book in the series because his character is barely in it, so that probably explains a lot. I liked him a lot in Goblet of Fire but thought he completely over acted in Little Ashes.
I think the only thing that’s changed for me as a fan since he got cast in these movies is that now there’s a younger (screechier) set of fans and suddenly I’m part of the old school group from the before Twilight era. It makes me feel like a geriatric person shaking a cane at the young whippersnappers who think they invented the term R PATTZ.
I guess he’s pretty hit or miss for me, but I’ll probably keep seeing his movies, much the same as I keep seeing Hayden Christensen’s movies for god knows what reason.
I’m a few weeks late on this, but Liz? Have I told you? Lately? That I love you?
I actually LOLed at multiple times while reading this. Totally spot on.
Then it healed because of the healing power of sparkles. Um.
HAHAHAHA.
Alice was able to procure the proper scarf and driving gloves needed for driving through the Italian countryside in a 1960s movie.
LOLOL I wondered the same thing.
This is not romantic, Twihards, this is super scary shit. I especially love that it took father-of-the-year Charlie Swan at least five months to tell his daughter that perhaps her behaviour was unhealthy.
I also love that after those 5 months of not noticing, her dad was like “Alrighty then, I’m shipping you off to your mom instead of maybe asking you what’s wrong.”
Pro tip: you can’t read her thoughts because she doesn’t have any of her own.
LOL my thoughts exactly. And seriously speaking of my favorite Viking and yours, how wonderful would it be to see Eric & Co. face off with all the Twilight vampires? They are so badass, it would be amazing. Sigh.
Anyway I’m posting a link on my site to this, it’s fantabulous.
I would love to see a Pam vs. any Cullen showdown. The problem with the Cullens is that they take a Bill Compton approach to being a vampire. The problem with this is that Bill Compton sucks (and not in a good way).
I know next to nothing about Twilight other than it annoys the crap outta me, but I have to admit if I were a tween I’d probably dig it on some level (I was a teenager when “The Hunger” (David Bowie as a vampire??? How hawtt is that!) came out and thought it was reaaalllly deeeeeeep…and so was Bauhaus). Still, this review made me LOL and want to use the phrase FACE PUNCH a lot. You rule — thanks to Ack for the link to your site.
wow, does it really matter that you’ve been into pattz for a long time? I totally believe you and all cuz I used to read your journal but who cares. what I wonder is if you still live with your parents and how that works.
OMG I was cracking on this movie so much during it that I was shushed by several people and I think some Twiharder told me to shut up. Hi. Lar. I. Ous. That running through the forest in beige clothes had me in stitches. I remember distinctly saying through hysterics: “What, is this J. Crew product placement? Vampires don’t wear J. Crew, they wear Abercrombie & Fitch, dammit!” (That was when I was shushed the most.)I had to see this twice, both with very hilarious company that is crazy enough about Twilight or its cast that they did not appreciate my mocking brand of humor. My best guy friend (who’s Team Jacob for all those shirt removing scenes) and my mom (who is scarily Team Edward) nearly damn killed me in the theater because I was dying in there. I ended up having to see the first one FIVE SEPERATE TIMES. (I think I broke a record, actually.) This one had more stuff to rag on.
I’m not all that crazy about Twilight, but I did read the books. Dakota Fanning’s vampire talent is causing people intense pain (and, you know, being an awesome kid actor.) Bella’s thoughts can’t be read because of some pot twist in the fourth book. Although she really is some kind of bland, her blank mind makes her special, not vapid. Right? Right?? Oh, and the red eyes is because they drink human blood. The Cullens don’t, therefore, their eyes are golden. I don’t know why that color change is.
That scrapbooking comment was FTW, I was like WTF, you’re so weird, chica. And the creepy vamp love comment for me was “I can’t live in a world where you don’t exist.” and “You give me everything just by breathing.” The rest of it I was willing to deal with, as some couples actually do work out right from the gate.
I didn’t totally hate this movie, but the one thing I couldn’t stand was that the breakup scene wasn’t as heartbreaking as I thought it would be. I will admit, when I read that I put the book down and tried not to cry. The movie scene just made me feel like “Come ON, Bella, just let him go!”
THat is my advice to the Twiharders, especially because I give it another two years before this franchise careens toward oblivion. Let Eddie Cullen and Jakie Black GO!”
YOu win at life, and so does Ack, as she also wins at life.
Glad to see that you enjoyed the film – well, you may have 4 MORE FILMS to look forward to! There’s a rumor that (in what I assume is an attempt to one-up Harry Potter) the last book will be broken up into 3 FILMS!!! Because this series really needs to be dragged out that much longer!!! Yep, unfortunately it will be a long time until this Twilight phenomenon goes away :(
what happen to robert hand