Kills Me Dead » Movies

I had a free movie pass so I decided to finally see Twilight because if it was awful, I wouldn’t feel like I wasted my money. (Let’s be honest: I never feel like I’ve wasted my money, even with truly bad movies.)

1. This was, surprisingly, not the worst movie I’ve seen this year. It certainly wasn’t terribly good, but it wasn’t the train wreck I might have been hoping it would be. In the end it was mostly just bland, which is not a great thing when you’ve got supernatural elements as main plot points. I’m just saying.
2. I think my favourite “show, don’t tell, how Bella is a klutz” moment was the very first one when she totally smashed Jacob with the door of her truck. Winner.
3. I’m not quite understanding why anyone in the school has any interest in Bella. Like, the second she shows up some dude wants to do a giant feature on her in the school paper? Really? And when he tells her of his diabolical exposé she’s takes him completely seriously and says “Oh please don’t, I’m so modest and shy?” instead of “You’re clearly fucking with the new girl because you’re a sadist, right?” Also, I think when she moved from Arizona she should have brought her personality with her instead of her cactus because the girl that ends up in Forks has no discernible characteristics other than “pale” and “klutz”.
4. I kind of maybe sorta thought Jessica was the most hysterically funny person in the entire movie. Shut up.
5. Are we supposed to infer that Bella’s dad is a drunk? Cause the guy’s got at least one empty beer can on screen in every scene he’s in.
6. Tell me that wasn’t SMeyer in one of the diner scenes. TELL ME.
7. Um, Charlie’s friend who played Santa? Kind of a paedophile. Maybe those bad vampires that end up killing him were doing everyone a favour. Boondock Vamps! They do not want your tired and sick, it is your corrupt they claim!
8. I did rather enjoy it, though, when Victoria showed up wearing a repurposed version of Uncle Paedo’s “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” shirt. I like that she gets crafty in between maulings.
9. It’s not okay to pretend that you’re adopted siblings and then openly date one another.
10. Also, MIKE DEXTER!!! Carlisle is such a holier than thou son of a bitch. He can take his pity and shove it. Also, his line about Bella being a part of the family nearly killed me. It’s like “Um, she’s been dating him for three days, get a grip.”
11. VAMPIRE BASEBALL. You know when fans get upset when you change things from the book? This is something that is so hilariously and astronomically stupid that the movie would have been much better off finding a less ridiculous way for the Sharks and Jets to face off. I’m also unsure why they needed to wear uniforms…?
12. Rosalie seriously needs to suck it up.
13. Jasper mostly just stares blankly. Is that his entire function in the book?
14. Truthfully, I didn’t hate Bella at first. She was mostly a non-event but since average people are decidedly average, then I guess it’s okay to not be terribly interesting. But then she completely LOST HER MIND and went into full blown “I’m afraid of losing you, you are my life, I’m getting your name tattooed on my lower back, I sleep with a vial of your tears under my pillow” mode. Girl, you’re seventeen. Come on.
15. Rob’s hair was its own character in this movie. It was AMAZING. It was exquisitely styled. His hair embodied the amazing Adonis-like perfection that apparently is the essence of the incomparable Edward Cullen. They could have filmed him from the eyebrows up and it would have been fine.
16. So. Edward Cullen. The perfect man. The dazzling, sparkling marble statue. Edward Cullen, King of Creepdom. Fangirling aside, I have to give R PATTZ exceptional kudos for managing to portray E CULLZ in such a violatingly alarming way. Like, the guy is fucking weird. If a guy ever tells you that he’s killed other people before and he’s trying very hard not to kill you but omg your scent just drives him into a murderous rage, you RUN AWAY. Preferably, you run away to your dad who is the CHIEF OF POLICE. (Not that his badge will do much good against a vampire. Still.) You don’t bat your eyelashes and tell him you’re not scared of him. If a guy tells you he’s been sneaking into your bedroom for months to WATCH YOU SLEEP, you BOARD UP YOUR WINDOWS. Girls, this is not romantic. I know it seems that way because when he smiles your ovaries burst and you’ve got some misguided idea that he’s not creepy, he’s just looking out for Bella, but no. NO. The guy is a fucking menace. He knows it, he admits it, and yet somehow that is not convincing? Bad bad bad bad bad. This is Smeyer’s equivalent of “He only hurts me because he loves me”. IT’S NOT OKAY.
17. I kind of dig Rob’s made-up and arbitrary American accent.
18. I think he might actually prove to be a good actor, guys.
19. All the I HAVE SPEED AND AGILITY running and climbing of trees was awful. And, um, spider monkey? Kill me.
20. HAHAHA VAMPIRES DON’T GO INTO THE LIGHT BECAUSE THEY SPARKLE. WHICH BELLA THINKS IS BEAUTIFUL. I like how Edward had to undo his ENTIRE SHIRT to display the sheer magnitude of his dazzling sparklitude because otherwise if we just saw his face sparkling, we might think it was just bad CGI. (Oh wait.)
21. Bella and Edward bring new definition to the term “lovesick” based on Edward’s near vomitting spell upon Bella’s entrance into science class. I also think it is unrealistic that they would win the Golden Onion given how long it took them to identify all of the various stages of mitosis because instead they were batting their eyelashes at each other.
22. I could say more but I really can’t remember major details about this movie. Again, bland.

Tags: dysfunctional relationships, kristen stewart, robert pattinson

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